The Power of AND

Article Contributed By: Travis Stewart, LPC, NCC

“My dad would criticize me and tell me that I needed to lose weight but I know he really loves me.”

“My mom left the family when I was only 7 but we are really close now.”

“My brother used to tease me but I know he didn’t really mean the things he said.”

When recovering from an eating disorder, and doing any kind of therapy, the topic of family will eventually come up. It may be discussing the context of your beliefs about yourself or exploring the onset of your eating disorder. At some point you will have to think more deeply about the people in your life.

Reconciling Past Events

The comments above are typical of how many try and reconcile the events of the past with the lives that we live in the present. Not all of us feel this ambivalence toward our families. Some of us choose to see family through rose-colored glasses and have difficulty finding any fault at all.

Others struggle to see any good during their childhood. Most of us recognize that families are a mix of good and bad yet, when it comes to talking honestly about them, we struggle to find the right words.

It may stem from wanting to protect the people we love or wanting to avoid admitting our family did not meet our needs growing up. It may result from confusion about the various emotions we feel, or it may be that we are reluctant to break the “family rules” and talk about our family’s private life.

So, instead of being direct about family pain, we use phrases like those above; “my family was this…but” to soften the blow.

Truth Denied Becomes Toxic

If we are to mature emotionally and relationally, we need to learn to speak the truth of our stories. Why? Because when we don’t allow ourselves to speak what is true, a central part of our identity gets buried. Truth denied turns into emotional pain and eventually expresses itself through maladaptive and destructive behaviors.

Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz, one of the world’s leading experts in neuroscience and the author of the books You Are Not Your Brain and Brain Lock writes,

[T]he more you squelch your true needs and emotions, the more the deceptive brain messages are fueled and the more entrenched they—and their associated responses of anxiety, depression, excessive anger, addictions, unhealthy habits, and miscommunication—will become.

It is critical for recovery that we learn to see and tell the truth about the past, the present and the people in our lives. So, how do we do this?

The Power of AND

Let’s revisit the statements at the beginning of this article and instead of using the word ‘but’ let’s replace it with the word ‘and’.

“My dad would criticize me and tell me that I needed to lose weight AND I know he really loves me.”

“My mom left the family when I was only 7 AND we are really close now.”

“My brother used to tease me AND I know he didn’t really mean the things he said.”

There is something powerful when we stop using the word ‘but’ to soften what we have experienced in our family relationships. AND is a powerful word that invites us to see seemingly contradictory experiences in a new light.

“My dad would criticize me”

Consider the first statement, “My dad would criticize me and tell me that I needed to lose weight AND I know he really loves me.” If we use the word ‘but’ it seems to say it’s OK that dad was critical and made comments about losing weight.

Yet that is just not true. Those statements would have been hurtful and may have fueled poor self-image. This is not to put the blame on dad for the eating disorder and yet we know there was pain that resulted from the comments dad made.

AND we know that dad feels affection for you and supported you in many other ways. Both are true and both had an impact on your life.

“My mom left the family”

The next statement of “My mom left the family when I was only 7 but we are really close now” seems to communicate that because you feel close to mom now the pain of her abandonment when you were little shouldn’t affect you anymore.

That can’t be true as we all instinctively know that a child would be wounded, confused and hurt by being abandoned. AND we also know relationships can be reconciled and healed when truth is spoken and confronted honestly.

Now some of you may be thinking, “But I can’t think of anything good [or bad] that my family did. It really does seem black and white.” That may be where you are right now. You don’t need to go looking for it. However, keep an open mind to the possibility that one day you may see more than you do now.

Why AND Matters

AND represents a powerful principle in healthy relationships. Any time we grow closer to others we come face to face with the reality that they are not perfect. Whether it is in a marriage, a work partnership or in a good friendship, at some point we will feel let down, hurt or neglected by others.

The ability to see people for who and what they do actually opens up your ability to love them. The ability to say, “My friend is sometimes forgetful and doesn’t return my call AND she’s supported me through tough times” or “my wife’s anxiety overwhelms me AND she’s the hardest worker I know” means you are truly caring for and loving people as they are, not as you want them to be.

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What is your experience with the Power of AND?