Christian Track: Rescue from Perfectionism

Contributor: W. Travis Stewart, Licensed Professional Counselor, Revision Recovery Coaching

Perfectionism steals joy. It steals contentment. It creates an internal war that can never be won. “My idea of who I should be is at war with who I am” writes Emily Freeman, author or Grace for the Good Girl. She goes on to say:

I have the expectation of myself to be a good girl, a good Christian, a good wife and a good mom. Not such bad things, until you understand my own personal, twisted definition of “good.” Good means I never mess up. Good means I weigh the perfect amount. Good means I can handle everything, I don’t look like a fool, and I never lose my patience…Good means I am enough. My goodness is all about me.

A Never Ending Cycle

It all sounds so good. Try hard, please others, do the right thing. It just doesn’t work. Why? Because it never ends. It is never, ever, enough. With each new day comes another chance to be perfect – and another thousand chances to fail. The perfectionist life is lived on thin ice. There is no margin for error. You have to constantly be on your guard against compromise, carelessness and cracks in the image.

And you don’t have to look very far for another way to try and be perfect. The current project is never “good enough” for your standards. Magazines in the checkout lanes tell you how to get the perfect body. The latest books promote the perfect way to eat. Pinterest shows you how to decorate your perfect home and dress your perfect little children.

The Perfectionist Is Always in Session

Richard Rohr, a Franciscan priest, writes, that inside a perfectionist “court is always in session” and that perfectionists “try to be good so they won’t be punished. They want at all costs to stop their “conscience” from condemning them.”

It’s exhausting. Yet, to admit that to anyone would be unacceptable. It is imperfect to be worn out.

And perfectionists are internally angry. Inside lurks a demanding, fearful and angry heart. Rohr continues describing the dilemma of a perfectionist by saying they “are angry because the world is so imperfect. They’re made still more aggressive by what they find in themselves” And yet, because the drive is to be perfect, expressing anger is against the rules. There seems to be no way out.

Being a Perfectionist About Avoiding Perfectionism

Some perfectionists do get to the point where he or she realizes the damage that is being done to his or her internal peace and external relationships. So there is discovered a motivation for getting better. And another trap is set.

We tend to go after working on our flaws in the same way that we developed them.

Addicts use the same ways of thinking that created the addiction as they pursue recovery. Workaholics “work really hard” to spend more time with the family. And perfectionists try to change their perfectionism perfectly.

Perfectionism and Criticism

Many who are attempting recovery from perfectionism, find themselves criticizing themselves even more harshly for “still trying to be perfect” than they ever did for their perceived failures in their previous lives.

In fact, if you do struggle with perfectionism, you will likely be very uncomfortable with this article. For someone to suggest that you are angry or trapped in a cycle of behavior may feel too humiliating to admit. You are coming face to face with the reality that the very thing you have wanted to avoid your entire life (anger, failure, exposure) is more true than you ever imagined, despite your efforts.

The Imperfect and Rebellious Brother

Pastor Tim Keller, in teaching on the story of the Prodigal Son found in the 15th chapter of the Gospel of Luke, reveals that it wasn’t only the imperfect and rebellious younger brother who was lost and angry toward the Father. He says that both sons were separated from the One who loved them—the younger brother’s “badness” kept him from God’s love while, for the older brother, it was his “goodness.”

Henri Nouwen, in his classic book The Return of the Prodigal Son, expands on this theme:

The lostness of the elder son, however, is much harder to identify. After all, he did the right things. He was obedient, dutiful, law-abiding, and hard working. People respected him, admired him, praised him, and likely considered him a model son. Outwardly the elder son was faultless. But when confronted by his father’s joy at the return of his younger brother, a dark power erupts in him and boils to the surface. Suddenly, there becomes glaringly visible a resentful, proud, unkind, selfish person, one that had remained deeply hidden.

Rescue Is Possible

Yet rescue is possible. For the Christian message is just as powerful and true for those whose self-effort has trapped them as it is for the alcoholic, the thief and the prostitute. But repentance looks very, very different for the rebel and the good girl. They are repenting of different things; the rebel of her outward rejection of love and the good girl of her inner self-reliance.

How is this rescue accomplished? In the same way that every other work of the Christian life happens: through the work of Christ.

Most Christians can articulate that Jesus came to forgive our sins. We can explain that, in his death on the cross, He was acting as a substitute for us and receiving the punishment that our sins deserve. We understand that He voluntarily laid down his life for us and paid a price that we owed.

We Can’t Achieve the Perfect Life

However, many Christians and non-believers alike, do not understand the full extent of the Gospel message; Jesus not only died the death that our sins deserve, but he also lived the perfect life we were unable to achieve.

Author Jerry Bridges explains this as he discusses the concept of righteousness (meaning to live a “right” life):

Since we cannot attain a sufficient righteousness on our own, God has provided it for us. This righteousness from God is none other than the perfect righteousness of Jesus Christ, who through His sinless life and His death in obedience to the Father’s will, perfectly fulfilled the law of God.¹

Making Up the Difference

Recall the quote by Emily Freeman at the beginning of this article; “My idea of who I should be is at war with who I am”. In this statement she is describing a gap between who she thinks she should be and who she finds herself being in reality. The good news is that the Gospel spans this gap. Jesus steps in and makes up the difference!

A perfectionist, when he realizes this astounding truth, will realize that Jesus becomes his righteousness, that Jesus IS his perfection. The battle is over. The effort to always to the right thing can come to an end. It has been done for you.

Your job now is not to live a perfect life but to trust in the One who has done that for you. There will be effort in the trusting, but it will feel less like trying harder and more like surrender. It will, at times, require you to die to the internal drive to prove yourself and instead, sleep in, ignore that typo or admit you are angry. This is what trust will begin to look like.

Finding Yourself at Odds with Your Critical Voice

As this happens you may find yourself initially more at odds with the critical voices in your head and the discomfort of admitting you don’t have it all together. But for you, when Jesus says that you are to “die to yourself,” He didn’t mean that you were to try harder. Rather, for the perfectionist, this death to self will feel more like resting and trusting that you are loved, even in the midst of your imperfection.

As you learn to do this—as you learn to trust that Jesus is your perfection—you will begin to find a new joy and hope within. You will learn to hear God’s voice calling you “beloved” and you will someday find yourself looking at a project you have completed, that is beautifully flawed, and saying “it’s good enough.”

Community Discussion – Share your thoughts here!

How has your strive for perfectionism negatively impacted your life? How has the freedom from perfectionism positively changed you?

---

 
About the Author:

Travis Stewart is a Licensed Professional Counselor who has worked in the field of eating disorders since 2003. He also offers recovery coaching for individuals wanting to develop more autonomy, mastery and purpose in their lives.

---

 
References:

1. Jerry Bridges, The Discipline of Grace, p. 48

Christian Track: Eating Disorder Hope is proud to announce the initiation of a special Christian Track of blogs and articles to commemorate our 10th year of being blessed with such a special community of those in or searching for eating disorder recovery. Watch for further special blogs noted as “Christian Track”.

Last Updated & Reviewed By: Jacquelyn Ekern, MS, LPC on June 25th, 2015
Published on EatingDisorderHope.com