Setting New “Traditions” for a Family Going Through the ED Recovery Process

Contributor: Dr. Gregory Jantz, Founder of The Center • A Place of HOPE and author of 30 books on behavioral and mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and others.

Eating disorders are serious business. They are one of the most lethal mental health issues – not just dangerous, lethal. To compound the struggles faced by the individual battling an eating disorder, the wear and stress on family and friends can be emotionally exhausting as well.

After treating eating disorders for over 30 years, I know there is both wonderful hope of recovery for those struggling, and also sober realities about the difficulties for families with a member who has disordered eating.

Important Facts

Here are some important facts to remember when a family member is struggling with disordered eating:

• You cannot “fix” or “heal” your family member. Seek professional treatment.
• While an eating disorder may make no sense to some family members, it does make sense to the individual struggling with it.
• No person ¬– not the family member with an eating disorder, nor any other member of the family – should be “blamed” for the disorder. This is not to say that family members can’t be counter-productive with their words or actions that might be hurtful.
• An individual with an eating disorder wants to be healthy and happy.

For family members, finding the correct balance between being too involved and not involved enough in the recovery process can be difficult. It is different for each person struggling with an eating disorder; and can even be different for each member within the family, based on personalities and relationships. What might be acceptable and even desired from one person may not work at all for another.

Tools and Techniques

Here are some tools and techniques that we have found to help families create healthy “traditions” as they work through the recovery process:

1. Set a tradition to give unconditional love and be non-judgmental, patient and remain supportive. This can be more difficult than it sounds, but it is also essential to recovery. It can be frustrating when someone with an eating disorder struggles with relapses during their recovery. Listen to the person’s struggles and explanations. Hold their hand to provide a physical touch. Reinforce your love and belief in them.

This doesn’t mean ignore or downplay the eating disorder. Do not deny it or diminish its significance. But do not hold it against the individual who is struggling.

For the individual struggling with an eating disorder, for them to know that you love them unconditionally and “have their back” will go a very long way to help in their post-treatment recovery. Relapses can happen. Be supportive and consistent through the difficult times.

2. Set a regular activity tradition – game night is a good example – where family members can get together to laugh and be happy. An eating disorder can become the albatross in the room any time the family gets together. The person with an eating disorder may feel as if their persecution is coming at any moment, breached by some comment that will lead to, once again, a discussion about their “problem.”

Setting up a time where the family laughs, plays and treats the person with an eating disorder as a “normal” member of the family can do wonders for self-esteem and release stress and tension for all involved. If there are other siblings in the family who feel they are not getting the same attention as the child with the eating disorder, this is also a great time for them to feel honored.

3. Be good – not excessive – role models regarding your words, your meals and your fitness.

Be mindful of the words and body language you use regarding eating, body weight and body image. Avoid talking about what is an appropriate weight, what is a “desirable” body size or shape, or making gestures or remarks about body image when observing others.

Many family members work to eat healthy or exercise as a way to demonstrate a healthy lifestyle. This can be a very good “tradition” and elevate the entire family’s nutritional and physical health. Cook nutritious, plant-based meals and learn about healthy ingredients. Make mealtime fun by experimenting with new recipes and creative ways to prepare meals. Resist the temptation to create a special meal for the individual with an eating disorder; prepare the same nutritious meal for each person.

Set goals as a family to stay fit – a combination of cardio, fitness, exercise or use of weights – and track your progress and commitment. The team approach can be supportive and help strengthen the fiber of the family. These healthy habits can have a positive effect on those struggling with eating disorders.

But, for each member of your family, it is important to understand the relationship the disordered eating individual has with both food and exercise.

The anorexic may feel disdain for food. Preparing meals every day with the expectation that they eat heartily can be traumatic for them. The bulimic may truly engage, enjoy and even eat well at every meal, but be wrought with conflict and guilt, even purging afterward.

For exercise, keep these important points in mind. Many with disordered eating will exercise excessively. If the family takes up group exercise, this could be a way for the disordered eating member to “hide” their disorder inside of the new workout routine.

Understand that an anorexic (and some bulimics as well) may have significantly deteriorated muscle and bone strength due to their lack of nutrition. Working out with weights can be counter-productive and even dangerous. For the over-eater, too much exercise, too soon, can be dangerous.

Also be mindful of overtly putting nutrition and exercise in the disordered eating person’s face, as if to say “this is what you should be doing.” This demonstrates disdain and a “why can’t you just do this?” mentality which can be counter-productive. Let these areas “flow” naturally, giving each member of the family the opportunity to be their own person.

4. Love and consider praying together as a family, at meals or before going to bed. An eating disorder can be very serious and it ripples (and, at times, quakes) through the family. Supporting family members, and the family as a whole, through prayer can be strengthening and uplifting to all involved.

 

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About the Author: Dr. Gregory Jantz is a best-selling author of 30 books. He is a go-to media source expert for a range of behavioral-based afflictions, as well as drug and alcohol addictions. Dr. Jantz has appeared on CNN, FOX, ABC, CBS, and has been interviewed for the New York Post, Associated Press, Family Circle, and Women’s Day. He is also a regular contributor to The Huffington Post and Psychology Today blogs. Dr. Jantz is a sought after speaker, appearing internationally. Dr. Jantz founded The Center • A Place of HOPE to help people transform their lives.

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We at Eating Disorder Hope understand that eating disorders result from a combination of environmental and genetic factors. If you or a loved one are suffering from an eating disorder, please know that there is hope for you, and seek immediate professional help.

The opinions and views of our guest contributors are shared to provide a broad perspective of eating disorders. These are not necessarily the views of Eating Disorder Hope, but an effort to offer discussion of various issues by different concerned individuals.

Reviewed By: Jacquelyn Ekern, MS, LPC on January 31, 2016
Published on EatingDisorderHope.com