Five Free Ways to Support Your Spouse in Eating Disorder Recovery

Article Contributed by Staff of The Meadows Ranch

When your spouse is struggling with eating disorder recovery it can be difficult to find the balance between supporting them and taking care of yourself. I compiled my experiences as a professional with advice from two spouses who have navigated this process into five essential steps to successfully establish a partnership in eating disorder recovery.

Craft a Soundbite

Polite conversation often starts with, “How are you?”, but not everyone actually listens for the answer. Close family and friends may know all about your spouse’s illness and treatment, but co-workers and casual acquaintances may not want or need frequent updates or details.

Nathan’s wife Jennifer had an eating disorder, and he wanted to make sure she felt safe and accepted among family and friends after returning from treatment out of state. To do this he steered questions and conversations about his wife away from judgmental opinions and medical discussion and focused on his hopes for her eating disorder recovery and well-being.

If you are unsure what to say, decide with your spouse on a soundbite that you can offer whenever a fringe friend or thoughtful neighbor inquires about the situation. The ideal soundbite conveys the message that you appreciate the concern without sharing personal information. For example, “Thank you for asking. She is doing a lot better.” Or “I’m so grateful he is getting the help he needs and appreciate your prayers.”

In Eating Disorder Recovery, Express Yourself

You are your spouse’s greatest ally in his or her battle with mental illness, and that comes with the high cost of stress. It is really hard to seek support if you are keeping your spouse’s illness a secret. If you fear that family or friends will be judgmental of your spouse or overly inquisitive, it is understandable to circle the wagons and keep things quiet; but, you may put yourself at risk of caregiver burnout, compassion fatigue and stress-related illness.

If your best friend isn’t a good listener or you are tired of people not knowing what to say, look for a caregiver support group in your area. Some eating disorder treatment facilities offer a weekly or monthly group for family members that you are allowed to attend even if your spouse is not enrolled in their program. Local hospitals often have support groups that aren’t specific to any kind of illness. Call and ask for the social work department to find out what is available.

Al-Anon groups are all over the world, even online, and you don’t have to divulge your name or any personal details. And if you prefer one-on-one support, try individual therapy, in person or online. An employee assistance program is a free counseling option, and your employer will never even know you used it.

If the idea of sharing your thoughts and feelings with a stranger leaves you cold, consider that the stranger might actually be the easiest to talk to—Ever accidentally overshare with the dude who delivers the mail or the gal who checks your groceries?

You always have the option to write your thoughts down, type an email and then delete it, or have a good cry with your dog or cat. Paint your feelings, walk in nature without your cell phone, punch a pillow, or listen to music that conveys the thoughts you are unable to say. Any safe way you can get in touch with your thoughts and feelings and let them out helps relieve stress and keep you going through tough times.

Spend Time Together

Do something fun as a couple, unrelated to food, therapy or treatment. This may sound like the worst advice, or just impossible to imagine—Have fun? Now? This is a crisis!— But if you want your relationship to last beyond the crisis, you need something to relate about that isn’t eating disorder-based. After he got back from treatment, Richard’s wife Brenda signed the couple up for a pottery class at a local community college.

Brenda explains, “I know it sounds so random – why a pottery class? But I was really worried that after weeks apart we would just sit together with nothing to say, or worse, we would avoid each other. I didn’t want our therapy appointment to be the only time we spent together. I figured something hands-on might give us time together where we could be more relaxed.”

Richard adds, “I thought it was going to be stupid, but it gave us three hours on Tuesday nights to talk and do something different together. And all the people treated us like a normal, happy couple. It reminded me that we are a normal, happy couple.”

Spend Time Apart

It may be tempting to spend every waking moment with your spouse, whether to stay involved or to monitor their eating. But this isn’t healthy for either of you. Nathan says, “The time you spend together should develop your relationship, and focusing on the eating disorder will cause it to deteriorate. Keep your relationship safe by allowing the medical professionals to do their jobs.”

If you are worried your spouse will harm him or herself when alone, then it’s time to look into a higher level of care. Same if you think your spouse cannot control his or her eating or purging without you. Your spouse needs your love and support, and that means letting someone else be the food police. To help keep your perspective about your role, talk with your spouse and his or her treatment team about which times and circumstances require your intervention and which are best left to the professionals.

It’s also important for you to do the things that help keep you physically and mentally healthy. If you worry that your spouse will feel abandoned by you leaving the house to work out or see friends, or anything else, consider that canceling your plans can make things worse. Your spouse may already feel like a burden. Knowing that you stopped your life can put a lot of pressure on their recovery. Convey to your spouse that you are always with him or her on “this winding road to recovery,” even when you step out for a little while to replenish your energy.

Create a Mantra for Eating Disorder Recovery

Serenity now! Seinfeld fans recall the irony of Mr. Costanza yelling this phrase to calm himself when he gets overwrought. Although presented as comical, the concept is sound. Think about your own one-liner that brings you perspective, like a family saying, a line from a song, a Bible verse, prayer, or famous quotation, or even a fortune cookie message that is meaningful to you. Repeat it over and over when you start losing faith, the traffic is horrendous, or that yokel at work is on your last nerve.

It’s ok if it’s silly; laughter is healing. When I am bummed that something didn’t turn out, my husband likes to bellow out “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!” I have never watched Monty Python and so I have no clue what this means (I didn’t even know it was from Monty Python till he told me), but I catch myself saying it in my head sometimes. I don’t think the saying actually helps, but the image of him being ridiculous and supportive at the same time cheers me up even when I’m alone.

If you find it hard to access your comforting thought when you are deep in distress, write it down or print it out and keep it in your wallet, or make a note in your cell phone to read when you need to find your equilibrium again. Remember that taking care of yourself during eating disorder recovery is the furthest thing from selfish. It is the very thing that keeps you by your spouse’s side when the going gets tough.

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Article Contributed by Staff of The Meadows Ranch:

For over 25 years, The Meadows Ranch has offered an unparalleled depth of care through its unique, comprehensive, and individualized program for treating eating disorders and co-occurring conditions affecting adolescent girls and women. Set on scenic ranch property in the healing landscape of Wickenburg, Arizona, The Meadows Ranch allows for seamless transitions between its structured multi-phase treatment.

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The opinions and views of our guest contributors are shared to provide a broad perspective of eating disorders. These are not necessarily the views of Eating Disorder Hope, but an effort to offer discussion of various issues by different concerned individuals.

We at Eating Disorder Hope understand that eating disorders result from a combination of environmental and genetic factors. If you or a loved one are suffering from an eating disorder, please know that there is hope for you, and seek immediate professional help.

Published January 3, 2016, on EatingDisorderHope.com
Recently Reviewed By: Jacquelyn Ekern, MS, LPC on July 2, 2018 Published on EatingDisorderHope.com