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Coping with Feelings of Shame
Shame is likely one of the most powerful emotional states for humans to experience. Shame creates the potential for any individual to behave contrary to themselves out of avoidance, self-punishment, or embarrassment. Shame is not only emotional but physical. We feel it in our cringing toes, tight chests, flushed faces, and our desire to disappear.
Harriet Lerner describes shame as “profoundly debilitating. It drives our fears of not being good enough. We can learn to feel shame about anything that is real about us – our shape, our accent, our financial situation, our wrinkles, our size, our illness, or how we spend our day [1].”
Our society doesn’t do a great job of reducing cultural norms and behaviors that result in shame. In fact, many advertisers and diet culture messages play on people’s feelings of shame to sell products.
Coping with this overwhelming and uncomfortable emotion is hard, as many may feel it is hard-wired into their existence. While it may not come easily, living a life free from shame is possible.
Shattering Shame
As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This does not mean that anyone consents to being shamed. However, it does mean the power is within you to internalize the shame placed on you or to reject it. We cannot control what other people will do or the ways that society may attempt to place shame on us, but we can control how we respond to it.
When feelings of shame arise, take a moment to engage in a mindfulness or grounding technique. This can allow you to combat the feeling to immediately react to the same and, instead, provide time to breathe, center yourself, and then proceed.
Allow yourself to do what you need in that moment to face and cope with your shame. Engaging in journaling, writing, or walking may help you to process what happened, why you are feeling shame, and if this is an emotion you feel is helpful to carry moving forward.
Additionally, don’t be afraid to reach out to a loved one. As one article explains, “shame is isolating, and isolation feeds the feeling of shame [1].” Bringing your feelings and thoughts of shame to light and exploring them with someone you trust can help you to manage the emotion.
Strengthening Self-Compassion
A huge weapon against feelings of shame is self-compassion, or “treating oneself in a caring and empathetic way – just as one would treat a good friend [2].” The benefits of self-compassion in combatting negative self-view and emotional states are well-founded.
Individuals that are self-compassionate experience more “happiness, emotional intelligence, optimism, wisdom, curiosity, and personal initiative” and less “rumination, perfectionism, and fear of failure [2].”
Many of these emotions are connected to shame, as shame can reduce positive emotions and traits and increase unhelpful ones. One of the roots of self-compassion is self-kindness, and one cannot shame themselves while being kind to themselves at the same time.
By practicing self-kindness and self-compassion, individuals work on “being kind, gentle, and understanding towards oneself rather than harshly judgmental [2].”
Strengthening the compassion one has for themselves and combatting self-isolation and internalization of shaming can help an individual refuse to take on shame regardless of what comes their way.
Resources:
[1] Barth, D. F. (2018). 7 ways to fight debilitating shame. Psychology Today, retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201803/7-ways-fight-debilitating-shame. [2] Albertson, E.R., Neff, K. D., Dill-SHackleford, K. E. (2014). Self-compassion and body dissatisfaction in women: a randomized controlled trial of a brief meditation intervention. Mindfulness.About the Author:
Margot Rittenhouse, MS, PLPC, NCC is a therapist who is passionate about providing mental health support to all in need and has worked with clients with substance abuse issues, eating disorders, domestic violence victims, and offenders, and severely mentally ill youth.
As a freelance writer for Eating Disorder Hope and Addiction Hope and a mentor with MentorConnect, Margot is a passionate eating disorder advocate, committed to de-stigmatizing these illnesses while showing support for those struggling through mentoring, writing, and volunteering. Margot has a Master’s of Science in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Johns Hopkins University.
The opinions and views of our guest contributors are shared to provide a broad perspective on eating disorders. These are not necessarily the views of Eating Disorder Hope, but an effort to offer a discussion of various issues by different concerned individuals.
We at Eating Disorder Hope understand that eating disorders result from a combination of environmental and genetic factors. If you or a loved one are suffering from an eating disorder, please know that there is hope for you, and seek immediate professional help.
Published October 28, 2020, on EatingDisorderHope.com
Reviewed & Approved on October 28, 2020, by Jacquelyn Ekern MS, LPC
The EatingDisorderHope.com editorial team comprises experienced writers, editors, and medical reviewers specializing in eating disorders, treatment, and mental and behavioral health.
