International Interview Series: Harriet Parsons of Bodywhys: The Eating Disorders Association of Ireland

Contributor: Harriet Parsons, M.A., M.Sc., Reg. Prac. APPI., of Bodywhys: The Eating Disorders Association of Ireland

1. What made you decide to get involved in the eating disorder community throughout Ireland?

Bodywhys: The Eating Disorders Association of Ireland is the national voluntary organisation for people affected by eating disorders, including friends and family. It was founded in 1995, partly as response to a lack of services.

The organisation has grown to develop a range of services and supports for people affected by eating disorders. Bodywhys does not provide therapy or counselling, it offers support, information, a listening ear and understanding.

2. What keeps you in this work, day after day?

As Services Manager with Bodywhys, I often have very varied days. In my role, both as the link between the volunteers on our support services, and directly on the support services myself, I witness monumental turning points in people’s lives, while the rest of the world continues to turn.

As I settle down at my desk I get a helpline call from a Mum, who is desperate to know how to approach her daughter, who in the past couple of months has lost an extreme amount of weight, and is severely restricting her diet. The mother is full of fear and her desperation is palpable on the call. She is at a loss to know what to do. Her daughter is in her mid-twenties, she is an adult, but is living at home and is out of work.

The mother has tried talking to her, but as she explains, her daughter refuses the mother’s attempts to talk about what is going on. The mother is feeling helpless, helpless about how to ‘get through’ to her daughter, and helpless to know what she can do.

I talk to her about trying to understand that the eating issue could be her daughter’s way of coping with how her life is for her at the moment.

When I tentatively suggest this, the mother agrees, and I know that in her heart of hearts this is not a new idea but rather this is something she has been unable to articulate.

Her fear about her daughter’s health has stopped her from being able to articulate this, but it means that there is no ‘quick fix’.

We talk about this. We talk about the approaches she has taken up until now, and this reflection allows the mother to realise that there is an opportunity to try a different approach, one that is not solely focused on what her daughter is doing, but rather focuses on how her daughter is feeling.

We talk about having realistic expectations of any approach she makes, and we think about how it might be to have the expectation that, at this stage, the mother’s goal, might be to open of a line of communication rather than coming to a decision about what to do. The mother feels relief with this, and can recognise that taking the pressure off doing something specific, will allow her to communicate in a supportive way with her daughter.

Towards the end of the call I gently ask the mother how she is coping with this, and at that point her tears flow freely and I can hear the change in her voice that the relief of talking brings. We end the call with a plan of sorts, but more importantly with an understanding that creating a sense of safety will be key to supporting her daughter to talk about what she is going through and making any decisions about how to get some help to move out of this.

At this point, I check in with our volunteer support group facilitators who have been facilitating groups the night before. It turns out that in our city centre ‘eating disorder’ group there were 7 people.

Four women and three men, four of whom had been to groups before and three people attending for the first time. The facilitators talk about the support that was given at the group by participants to each other, and how the regular attendees were of huge support to the new people.

One new person felt at the beginning of the group that she couldn’t speak, but by the end she opened up and felt safe enough to talk about what she was going through. In the ‘family and friends’ group, there were two sets of parents, and a husband. All spoke of different situations but gave each other great support in knowing that the recovery process is just that, a process, with ups and downs.

I am always amazed at the courage of people attending the group, embracing the unknown and having the courage to explore the idea that there might be other people who can relate to them and to whom they can relate. An eating disorder is essentially an extremely personal experience, and it takes huge courage to think that someone else will be able to relate to one’s story, and what one is going through.

In addition to the support groups in Dublin city centre last night, there was also an online support group running. In this group there were 12 participants, all of whom were able to relate to each other on topics such as, family not recognising the change that they are experiencing and the pressure they feel from the people around them to change more quickly.

As I read through the report from the online group, I think of the mother who I had been talking to and I think about how the eating disorder functions within a family and among a person’s friends and family.

It acts as a barrier, keeping the person locked into its thinking, and not allowing anyone to understand it so that its distorted logic will not be challenged.

I think about how being able to articulate what is going on in the person’s head is the key to being able to challenge the thinking that supports the eating disorder, and it also the key for family and friends understanding of what is going on and what it is like for the person.

I am always amazed at the range of contacts, which in actuality are people’s lives, are real situations. So on our helpline on this day, there was a call from a husband who was extremely concerned about his wife, who is in her 40s and is refusing any help at all.

There was a call from a Mum of a 13 year old boy, who had been called names in school a few months back and had stopped eating as a result. There was a call from a woman in her 30s who is currently in counselling for bulimia, and is finding things very difficult at the moment, and there was a call from a girl, in her early 20s who has never told anyone that she makes herself sick a couple of times a day, and wanted to tell someone.

All of these calls are real people, who have picked the phone up on this particular day, for a particular reason and wanted to tell someone about what was going on. As I log the statistical information for these calls, I check in on our email support service and there are four emails waiting to be answered.

There is a woman, who is in her 30s, and has been dieting for a year, but feels things have gotten out of her control and now she is binging every day when her husband is at work.

There is an email from a friend, who thinks that a girl she is living with is making herself sick at night time and is bingeing when she is alone, and she doesn’t know how to talk to her.

There is an email from a young girl, 13 who has anorexia and is really struggling with her treatment and feels that nobody understands her. And, there is an email from a woman who is thanking us for a reply we sent her and says that it has made her think about her eating habits in an entirely different way and she is finding the courage to go and find help for herself.

This is a snapshot of just one day, one of my working days. In a small way, I feel connected with all of these people. I feel it a privilege to be part of their story in some small way. I admire each and every one of them for picking up the phone, or writing the email, or going to a group.

Would I be able to do the same if I was in their shoes? I don’t know. I wonder about what kind of difference the contact with our organisation has made for them, that day, the following day, and in the coming weeks. I do not know how any of these stories will turn out. As I shut down my computer I hope that all will be well in their worlds, in their lives, but I must come back tomorrow not knowing and being satisfied with the not knowing.

But I also treasure this not knowing, because the not knowing means that I never assume I know what any one person ought to do, and instead it allows me to listen to them, it allows me to give them the space to tell me what it is like for them, and it allows me to equip them with the information and a supportive listening ear to do something for themselves.

We talk about turning points, about moments that change our lives, and on any one day, in the work I do, this is happening for people over and over again. At least that is the hope that I have.

3. What type of support does Bodywhys provide the eating disorder community?

• Two online support groups, one for adults (19+), BodywhysConnect and one for young people (13-18), YouthConnect
• Email support – this service is often how people first contact the organisation. It can be accessed by emailing alex@bodywhys.ie
• Lo-call helpline – running 6 days per week for 2 hours per day on 1890 200 444
• Face-to-face support groups in Dublin. One group is for people with eating disorders and the other is for friends and families
• All support services are non-directive, non-judgemental and provided by trained volunteers.

Other activities (provided by staff):

• Educational talks to second level students and youth groups across the country
• The PiLaR programme is a free 4 week evening programme for parents and carers of people affected by eating disorders. The programme addresses issues such as:
  1.  Understanding your child’s eating disorder
  2. Managing anger
  3. Managing expectations and understanding recovery
  4. Moving forward and self-care

The organization has developed resource booklets for:

• Parents
• General Practitioners
• A self-help booklet for Binge Eating Disorder
• SeeMySelf, an online psychoeducation programme for individuals aged 15-24

4. What encouragement do you have for someone actively struggling with an eating disorder?

I think the first thing to say is that I hear you. I hear you may be afraid. I hear you feel reluctant to get help because your current weight does seem not “bad enough” to “deserve” help. I hear the two sides of your head, the side that wants to move forward and the eating disorder voice, the “bully”, the “monster”, that is holding you back.

What I would also say is that, if you have an eating disorder, you are not defined by it. I know that an eating disorder can shape your view of the world in a way that is challenging and exhausting, that’s what I hear from many people. Remember, the eating disorder is not interested in fairness or reason, it will always ask you to bend to its will, no matter how much you try to comply. There is no bad time to pick up the phone or send an email. To me, your age, gender or weight or the stereotypes about eating disorders do not preclude you telling your story. In the end, I will simply ask ‘What’s it like for you?’

Learn more about eating disorder resources throughout Ireland.

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About the author:  Harriet Parsons has been working and studying in the area of counselling and psychotherapy for the last 14 years. Having completed a BA (Psychology), and an MA in Addiction Studies, Harriet went on to gain an MSc. in psychoanalytic psychotherapy with St. Vincent’s Hospital School of Psychotherapy, Dublin (UCD). She has lectured on Psychoanalysis in Dublin Business School, and eating disorders in UCD, and Independent Colleges, as well as frequently giving public talks and talks to different relevant groups on how to understand eating disorders.

Harriet is currently services manager with Bodywhys, The Eating Disorders Association of Ireland. Harriet is a registered practitioner with APPI (The Association for Psychoanalysis and Psychotherapy in Ireland), served on its scientific committee from 2008-2015, and a member of the executive committee from 2013 – 2016, and chair of the organisation from 2014-2016. Harriet has had articles published in ‘Insight Out’ (2004), and the Journal for the Centre of Freudian Analysis and Research (2012).

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The opinions and views of our guest contributors are shared to provide a broad perspective of eating disorders. These are not necessarily the views of Eating Disorder Hope, but an effort to offer discussion of various issues by different concerned individuals.

We at Eating Disorder Hope understand that eating disorders result from a combination of environmental and genetic factors. If you or a loved one are suffering from an eating disorder, please know that there is hope for you, and seek immediate professional help.

Last Updated & Reviewed By: Jacquelyn Ekern, MS, LPC on November 20, 2016
Published on EatingDisorderHope.com